SOLITUDE

I've been wondering, do other people also go through these phases that I go through. I really do not want to term them as 'depressive' phases, but for lack of a better word.

Something else that I am wondering, if it is so that majority of people go through these phases, how often do they occur? Because I am seated here feeling like this is now getting boring. I better snap out of it. Just realized that me feeling like this is a projection of societal expectations. "Kwani wewe huwa unago through it kila saa?!"

But then I literally cannot just snap out of it. Plus it is not as bad as it sounds. Na sii Kila saa.

I am always in awareness when going through these phases. Also, I just realized that they occur when I have been pouring too much into other people's cups, and I am in dire need of solitude. 

In all honesty, I do enjoy the solitude. Because it leaves me to my thoughts and the only person I have to worry about in that moment is me. Lakini, watu wanawachwa on read😬etc up until I find the words and the energy to express myself outwardly. Then by the time the words and the energy have been found, I feel like a long time has passed for me to be replying, so the cycle continues. Messages are not opened for a long time after that. 

Ding ding ding! Just uncovered what bothers me the most when going through my solitude. Bado nataka kufikiria everyone else but me. It is not that I dislike the alone time, it is that I do not want it to be misinterpreted (misinterpreted by who??). So I still end up being too hard on myself.

Heard something on TikTok today about healers (am I calling myself a healer?yes indeed) 

"...they needed to go into the darkness. And what they came with from the darkness is the light that is is needed and used in due time." The exact reason as to why I write more in these phases of solitude. Because that is when I uncover so much. 

What I need is to strike a balance.